Back in December of 2008, I imagined a world in which I had been elected President of the United States. In this scenario, I selected my cabinet members straight out of the film world. Today, I humbly admit my naivety and my lack of ambition, which would ultimately be my downfall were I to pursue the Oval Office. Instead, I’ll lend my power and influence to endorsements. I’ve matured quite a bit over these past four year and have much more realistic views when it comes to politics. Here, now four years older and four year wiser, I not only give my recommendation for President of the United States, but also who he should appoint to his cabinet.
Read on, dear readers.
President: James Marshall
Air Force One (1997)
I mean… duh. If you need a president who kicks ass, look no further than James Marshall. Not only is he extremely good looking and charming, he is a Vietnam veteran and Medal of Honor recipient. He has also demonstrated bravery under pressure. Instead of fleeing Air Force One when it was taken over by armed Russian terrorists, he chose to stay on board and fight. Then he proceeded by kicking ass, taking back the plane, insisting on being the last one to escape, and then he ZIP LINED FROM A MOVING PLANE TO SAFETY ON ANOTHER MOVING PLANE. I can’t remember if he was supposed to be a Democrat or Republican. I also don’t know his stances on women’s reproductive rights, same-sex marriage, and the economic crisis – but I do know his foreign policy… and that’s to kick ass. Especially if the opponent is Russian. That’s the kind of leadership American needs. That’s the kind of leadership America deserves.
Vice President: Han Solo
Star Wars (1977)
We’d need the Biden to our Barack, a real go-getter with ambition, a deep understanding of intergalatic laws, no fear of taking chances, and an ability to face foes with excessive laughter and snark. Han Solo would be just the man. In our tough economic times, we also need a fearless businessman who understands trade and and how to negotiate, both of which Solo is an expert. Plus… he shoots first.
Secretary of the State: Jack Trainer
Working Girl (1988)
As is my understanding, the Secretary of the State answers a lot of phone calls and emails for the President. While Jack was no secretary, he was an executive who spent a significant amount of time in office buildings and sleeping with secretaries. As such, his expertise would make him ideal for the secretary of the President and Vice President.
Secretary of the Treasury: Indiana Jones
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Who better to search for treasure, as this position entails (I think this is how the government gets its money), than the man whose sole goal in life to is not only find, but preserve ancient treasures? As an added bonus, he hates Nazis, served in both world wars, speaks multiple languages, and has friends all over the world. This is the man I trust in getting our country out of debt.
Secretary of Defense: Jack Ryan
Clear and Present Danger (1994), Patriot Games (1992)
With strong credentials which include a stint as the Acting Deputy Director of the CIA, Jack Ryan would be the perfect fit for the Secretary of Defense. His foreign policy experience is more than academic, having dealt with the IRA, training camps in Libya, and Colombian Drug Cartels. One can appoint him in confidence knowing that he is not even afraid to speak out against the President, if his duty as an American calls and if his honor would be compromised otherwise.
Attorney General: Rusty Sabich
Presumed Innocent (1990)
Having experience as a prosecutor at the highest level, Rusty would be the perfect fit as the main legal adviser to the government. While he may not always be the most honest of attorneys, he’s relentless, hard working, and… hell, who am I kidding? He’s the only lawyer that Harrison Ford ever played, so he gets the job by default.
Chief of Staff: Allie Fox
The Mosquito Coast (1986)
For the Chief of Staff, in many ways a right hand man for the President, one needs a person who is not only strong-willed and opinionated, but also one who thinks outside of the box. I’ve always felt that there needed to be more science intertwined with politics and as an inventor with “nine patents, six pending” who is over the illusions of the American Dream, American consumerism, and a fear of nuclear war, Allie Fox would guide President Marshall in a way in which the world would reach sustainable peace – free of crime, greed, war, and poverty. While his methods may be deemed eccentric, over time, people will come to realize that perhaps the true genius behind the Marshall presidency might have been Fox all along.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Rick Deckard
Blade Runner (1982)
Sure, he may be a Nexus 6, but his experience in tracking android terrorists would come in handy in protecting our nation from extremists and others who wished harm to American citizens on our soil. He’s an expert in his field, he knows how to use a gun, and he ain’t afraid to use it.
Special thanks to commenter Andy who four years ago said: “For every one of those positions, Harrison Ford has qualified himself in one of his movies. EVERY SINGLE ONE.” Truer words have never been spoken.
Jonathan is a writer and teacher constantly in pursuit of his fortune and glory. In the meantime, he graciously volunteers his genius to the internet, providing his insight on cinema and showering lessons of life upon all of those who stumble into the third row.