In honor of the mind-numbingly awful trailer for A Christmas Story 2 (who knew Daniel Stern was still acting?), I would like to revisit some other sequels that were both terrible and unnecessary.
When you’re done checking out my list, chime in. What sequels do you despise? What sequels make you wonder how they were ever greenlit?
10. Ocean’s 12 (2004)
Why it sucked: The Ocean’s 11 remake was fun. It was smart. It was stylish. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. In fact, the actors had such a great time working together on it, they decided to get together two more times and con the studio into paying for their vacations. The only problem: they forget to bring their scripts.
9. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Why it sucked: The first movie was good. The second movie was great. Who couldn’t possibly be excited for a third entry with an adult John Connor, a sexy T-X, and us finally being able to see Judgement Day. Unfortunately, everything that the previous two entries got right, this got wrong. Perhaps it was the absence of James Cameron. Perhaps it was because, as was widely reported, Arnold only did it for the $30 million paycheck. Whatever the case… the results were awful.
8. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Why it sucked: Yeah, it’s a prequel, but whatever. My list, my rules. Not only did nobody ask for this, particularly because Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels weren’t involved, people actively protested against its creation. Fortunately, most people have forgotten its existence and the original can still be enjoyed for the zany, ridiculous, funny comedy that it is.
7. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Why it sucked: Expectations were impossibly high and never could have been met, but not only did this not deliver, it took everything that had made the first one so cool and somehow made it really, really uncool. That was quite a feat.
6. The Color Of Money (1986)
Why it sucked: Yeah, it’s Scorsese. Yeah, it won Newman his long overdue Oscar. But Jesus, it paled in comparison to The Hustler – and with so much talent involved and with such a dark character to examine, it should not feel so formulaic, so bland, so… distinctly 80s.
5. American Psycho 2: All-American Girl (2002)
Why it sucked: I watched it out of sheer curiosity and because I had a huge crush on Mila Kunis back in high school – and I’m convinced that the people behind this never even watched the awesomely brilliant original film with Christian Bale. Or if they did, they missed the entire point.
4.The Two Jakes (1990)
Why it sucked: Chinatown was perfection, an absolute masterpiece of filmmaking. People try to forget this Nicholson-directed nonsense which captured none of the original’s magic sixteen years later, but its always there and we now always know what a nincompoop J.J. Gittes turned out to be.
3. Batman & Robin (1997)
Why it sucked: Bat nipples. Fucking bat nipples. People always seem to overlook how bad Batman Forever was – it was really bad – but this took badness to a whole new level. I still watch it every once in a while (it can be a lot of fun with beer and friends), but I still have trouble believing that this wasn’t all some sort of practical joke. That Clooney guy is a jokester, after all.
2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)
Why it sucked: Come on, when I used a prequel above, you had to know that this was coming. Us Star Wars fanboys will never get over it. We’ll be complaining about it still, fifty years from now. For everything that is wrong with this dreck, see this video.
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Why it sucked: It hurt so bad, I can’t dare revisit it. I still think I’m suffering from PTSD. Here’s my original review. Read it if you can stomach thinking about this mess.