In honor of the mind-numbingly awful trailer for A Christmas Story 2 (who knew Daniel Stern was still acting?), I would like to revisit some other sequels that were both terrible and unnecessary.
When you’re done checking out my list, chime in. What sequels do you despise? What sequels make you wonder how they were ever greenlit?
10. Ocean’s 12 (2004)
Why it sucked: The Ocean’s 11 remake was fun. It was smart. It was stylish. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. In fact, the actors had such a great time working together on it, they decided to get together two more times and con the studio into paying for their vacations. The only problem: they forget to bring their scripts.
9. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)
Why it sucked: The first movie was good. The second movie was great. Who couldn’t possibly be excited for a third entry with an adult John Connor, a sexy T-X, and us finally being able to see Judgement Day. Unfortunately, everything that the previous two entries got right, this got wrong. Perhaps it was the absence of James Cameron. Perhaps it was because, as was widely reported, Arnold only did it for the $30 million paycheck. Whatever the case… the results were awful.
8. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Why it sucked: Yeah, it’s a prequel, but whatever. My list, my rules. Not only did nobody ask for this, particularly because Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels weren’t involved, people actively protested against its creation. Fortunately, most people have forgotten its existence and the original can still be enjoyed for the zany, ridiculous, funny comedy that it is.
7. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
Why it sucked: Expectations were impossibly high and never could have been met, but not only did this not deliver, it took everything that had made the first one so cool and somehow made it really, really uncool. That was quite a feat.
6. The Color Of Money (1986)
Why it sucked: Yeah, it’s Scorsese. Yeah, it won Newman his long overdue Oscar. But Jesus, it paled in comparison to The Hustler – and with so much talent involved and with such a dark character to examine, it should not feel so formulaic, so bland, so… distinctly 80s.
5. American Psycho 2: All-American Girl (2002)
Why it sucked: I watched it out of sheer curiosity and because I had a huge crush on Mila Kunis back in high school – and I’m convinced that the people behind this never even watched the awesomely brilliant original film with Christian Bale. Or if they did, they missed the entire point.
4.The Two Jakes (1990)
Why it sucked: Chinatown was perfection, an absolute masterpiece of filmmaking. People try to forget this Nicholson-directed nonsense which captured none of the original’s magic sixteen years later, but its always there and we now always know what a nincompoop J.J. Gittes turned out to be.
3. Batman & Robin (1997)
Why it sucked: Bat nipples. Fucking bat nipples. People always seem to overlook how bad Batman Forever was – it was really bad – but this took badness to a whole new level. I still watch it every once in a while (it can be a lot of fun with beer and friends), but I still have trouble believing that this wasn’t all some sort of practical joke. That Clooney guy is a jokester, after all.
2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)
Why it sucked: Come on, when I used a prequel above, you had to know that this was coming. Us Star Wars fanboys will never get over it. We’ll be complaining about it still, fifty years from now. For everything that is wrong with this dreck, see this video.
1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)
Why it sucked: It hurt so bad, I can’t dare revisit it. I still think I’m suffering from PTSD. Here’s my original review. Read it if you can stomach thinking about this mess.
Good list!
The Two Jakes is that bad huh? I’ve never actually seen it but have been meaning to at least give it a chance – despite the lack of Polanski.
Also never bothered with American Psycho II. But now that I know it’s Kunis, I might have to endure it for a little bit anyway.
Also The Color of Money is awesome.
The article I link to in this week’s Monday Suck post has a similar vibe to this list:
http://www.cracked.com/article_19751_6-insane-sequels-that-almost-ruined-classic-movies.html
I think that The Color of Money would have been much more enjoyable as a stand-alone film from The Hustler. In fact, I loved it growing up (after all, Newman is my favorite actor), but it’s only as I’ve gotten older that I’ve learned to like it less and less. Not that he’s the end-all-say-all, but I appreciate Ebert’s review of the film: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19861017/REVIEWS/610170301/1023
I actually didn’t mind The Matrix Reloaded that much, aside from the rave scene, which went on way too long and I pretty much hated. But I really liked all the stuff with the Merovingian, and though it was handled ham-fistedly with too much bald-faced exposition, I kinda liked the way the stuff with the Architect expanded the universe and forced you to rethink the stuff you thought you knew. And the highway chase scene is awesometastic. It was really with The Matrix Revolutions that the whole thing went to shit for me.
Now, just to wait for Kurt and Bob to get back from TIFF so they can argue in favor of Ocean’s 12.
Yeah, The Matrix Reloaded is alright; it probably has more great moments than the original film. The same cannot be said about The Matrix Revolution… it is pure, CGI, up its own ass, garbage.
I like the final fight in Matrix Revolutions. By the time I saw it, on DVD, my expectations were so low I couldnt help but like some parts.
Ocean’s 12 is pure garbage. Soderbergh should be ashamed of himself.
American Psycho 2 is a direct-to-video sequel. Those suck for even existing.
Also, “worst sequels” are just a matter of opinion. I actually like many of those sequels (i.e. Ocean’s Twelve, Matrix, Indiana Jones)
Well, duh. But my opinion is, like, more valid, man.
Be Cool is an absolutely terrible sequel to Get Shorty, and an even worse adaptation, even considering the Elmore Leonard novel it is based on is so mediocre.
Most of my worst sequels are from a different era where they REALLY cheaped out. In comparison Matrix Reloaded and others are absolutey fantastic
Like…
TMNT III and Teen Wolf Too
However SHOCK TREATMENT, the sequel to the Rocky Horror Picture Show, is to me, the absolute worst sequel ever.
By the way, A Christmas Story already had a sequel, called “It Runs in the Family”, which was later renamed “My Summer Story” to point the connection out to people who didn’t notice the first go around. AND it is also directed by Bob Clark!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110168/
TMNT III might had made the list had I not blocked it from my mind. I was obsessive over the first two movies, particularly the first, and even at right years old I couldn’t stand the third one. I only watched it once.
‘The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ is awful film making. It took everything that made the original three movies great and flushed it down the toilet.
It had it’s moment’s, but overall it was a disappointment. No doubt. I thought I had heard rumors of yet another installment. Does anyone know? Would Shia take the hat like you’re led to believe?
We can all only hope that George Lucas isn’t that out of his mind.
Again Color of Money is a pretty good film.
I also want to stand up for Oceans Twelve. I rewatched them all recently, and I like 12 over 11. 13 does absolutely nothing for me, mainly because of Pacino and Barkin, who are the most boring badguygirl-double I’ve ever seen.
But 12 is so much fun, even if the story doesn’t come together as well as in the first.
See that’s exactly the problem with 12: it’s the opposite of “fun.” It’s drab, the dialogue is terrible, the entire plot is a ruse and you can tell that the actors just aren’t in it.
But we’ve had this debate before.
Ocean 12 is not great, but it is still an enjoyable film. Ocean 13 is by far, Soderbergh’s worst, mainstream film.
I agree with 13 being worse as well as Revolutions being worse than Reloaded, but I made a conscious choice to select the first of the two “bad sequels” in my list.
The only movie I like on that list is Color of Money. One of the few I can stomach watching Cruise in at this point. Oceans 13 brought some of the fun back that was missing in 12. So no new ground broken here.
Like I said, The Color of Money isn’t a terrible movie. But it’s an awful sequel to The Hustler.
Agreed. Watched The Hustler again a few weeks ago and I loved watching George C Scott more than hold his own on the screen with Gleason and Newman.
I think the Phantom Menace is the best installment of the Prequel trilogy. Does it live up to the original trilogy? No. Is it a fun movie set in the Star Wars universe? Yes.
The submarine through the center of the world, visiting Coruscant, pod racing, and arguably the best light saber dual in the franchise.
I’m not delusional enough to think that TPM does not have its problems. But I think its a better movie than nadir of cinema that some folks would make it out to be.
That’s an interesting take. Not a popular one to be sure. When you break out the best moments like that, it makes me disappointed that it didn’t achieve more. The Podracing scene is a great, underrated moment in the Star Wars timeline. Totally agree on the lightsaber duel. Great character in Darth Maul that of course we kill off, while Jar Jar maintains a presence for two more films…. getting annoyed all over again.
The Two Jakes… LOL. I forgot about that one… well… tried too