Director: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck (The Lives of Others )
Starring: Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Paul Bettany, Timothy Dalton, Steven Berkoff
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Running time: 103 minutes

(1.5/5)

I nternational law enforcement, vicious mobsters, a beautiful Englishwoman and a mild mannered American tourist all cross paths in Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck’s film The Tourist, an American remake of the 2005 French movie Anthony Zimmer. Unfortunately, despite France’s proficiency with the romantic thriller genre, and despite the suspense and sleek, sexy entertainment that a tale of an everyday man mistaken for a world-class thief might seem to promise, the American update offers no thrills or romantic tension of any kind. Glacially paced and utterly predictable, this poor excuse for a Bond film is filled with un-witty banter and un-endearing coincidences, and is not only not entertaining, but profoundly annoying. It is sort of over-glossed Hollywood motion picture that thinks all it needs to justify its self-satisfied existence are a couple of underwhelming plot twists and the fame and good looks of its overpaid stars, neither of whom have ever looked so bored.

For an entry into a genre that is meant to be filled with sexual energy and intrigue, The Tourist is so lifeless that it barely registers as a film at all. It’s clear that the thing has a sizeable budget, but for all the money that was poured in, what results is little more than a one hundred and three minute long commercial for the Venetian tourism board, and one in which plot wise, basically nothing happens. The movie takes far too long bringing its two main characters together; once they do meet, the on-screen chemistry between Depp and Jolie is totally, shockingly non-existent. The light hearted banter the script attempts is consistently limp and clichéd; there is practically no action (the two short sequences the film does provide are neither thrilling nor the least bit innovative) and while the plot twists and turns at points, each reveal is so bland and uninteresting that when a character changes sides half-way through, you scarcely notice the difference.

It certainly doesn’t help the film that neither of the lead characters are in the least bit sympathetic. It’s sort of hard to root for a woman who allows herself to be led around Europe by a manipulative ex-boyfriend, yet has no compunction about putting the life of an innocent (not to mention rather dimwitted) man in danger; nor can one feel any empathy for that same man when, after he finds out he’s being played, he chooses to stick around because hey, I guess the girl is pretty. True, a revelation towards the films end does explain some of Frank’s behavior, but it doesn’t make the relationship any more believable, nor the performances any less flat. Even with the feeble dialogue, I should have been able to invest at least somewhat in a romantic relationship between two of the most naturally charismatic stars in Hollywood. Instead, Depp and Jolie are glassy eyed and hollow voiced, resulting in one of the least convincing love stories I have seen in a very long time.

The movies biggest flaw however, is that it is just so smug. Now I acknowledge, even in a field as subjective as film criticism, this is a highly opinionative point. Regardless, from the inflated salaries of the leading actors all the way down to the prop electronic cigarette that Johnny Depp’s character smokes, The Tourist reeks of narcissism and self-importance, compounding everything else that the film does wrong. It strikes me that the performances of Depp and Jolie are weak not because they don’t care about the material, but because they feel their bare minimum is enough to blow us silly little moviegoers away. Jokes about foreigner’s reactions to obnoxious Americans aren’t witty or knowing: they’re irritating. And although the fact that movie was nominated for three Golden Globes isn’t technically a criticism I can level against the film, it is that kind of star-fucking, self-congratulating environment that leads to garbage like The Tourist being made in the first place.

The Tourist, to be fair, is not actually a terrible film. It’s definitely not good, but not totally awful either. Despite this, my own personal feeling towards it is one of deep loathing, and one that grows stronger with each passing hour. I simply cannot abide conceit, and even the films mildly entertaining climax is ultimately ruined by the final self-satisfied twist, one that drives home with resounding clarity just how obnoxious, irritating and ridiculous this movie is. The only strength of The Tourist is in its glorious depiction of Venice, which has almost never looked more appealing. On a personal note, I am actually hoping to travel to Europe a little later in the year, and I can honestly say that thanks to this film, the canalled city has jumped up quite a few spots on the list of places I’d like to visit. I just really hope they don’t show us The Tourist on the plane.