Director: Patrick Lussier (White Noise 2: The Light, Dracula 2000)
Screenplay: Todd Farmer, Zane Smith
Producer: Jack L. Murray
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
MPAA Rating: R
Running time: 101 min.

In a rare moment of weakness immediately after the Vancouver Canucks’ eighth strait loss on home ice (which I understand is the worst streak since the 1970-71 season), I managed to convince the husband to go to a late show at the local multiplex. I should have known that convincing him in moment of weakness would end poorly.

The choices for a late night film are slim around these parts but we had two options: The Uninvited or My Bloody Valentine which was screening in 3D. Husband decided that it would be “cool” to see the 3D debacle. Things started to go south when I used a $25 gift card to pay for our two tickets and still had to shell out $5. Did ticket prices go up since my list trip to the theatre? Doubtful and after asking a few employees we discovered that the 3D film is indeed more expensive (probably for the use of the 3D glasses which we stupidly returned at the end of the film). After the price induced minor heart palpitation we headed into the theatre. Little did I know that that heart flutter was the most excitement I was going to get for the next 100 minutes.

A remake of the 1981 Canadian slasher classic, the new take stars “Supernatural” star Jensen Ackles as Tom Hanniger, the son of a mine owner who witnesses the brutal killing of some friends, and is almost killed himself. Traumatized, Tom leaves town not to return for 10 years and then only to sign off on documents to sell the mine after his fathers’ death. His return turns the town upside down: he approaches his now married ex-girlfriend, rubs the local sheriff the wrong way and to make matters worse, the killings start again with all fingers pointing at Hanniger as the culprit.

I haven’t seen the original and don’t know how close the remake is to Mihalka’s film and it matters little either way because this is a pretty piss poor horror film (wannabe horror more like it). One would think that a mine shaft would be a great spot for some gruesome deaths but the location is poorly used; as is the wicked mining mask costume which only manages to be even mildly creepy the first time we see it.

If the story isn’t bad enough, there’s the god awful dialog and even worse delivery. I don’t watch “Supernatural” and haven’t seen Ackles in any other films but if this is the best the guy can do, he has a short career ahead of him. The only memorable performance comes at the hands of “Dawson’s Creek” alum Kerr Smith who is very good as the town’s sheriff Axel Palmer. And kudos to Jaime King’s wardrobe which features her walking around for a good 15 minutes with a black bra which was clearly visible over her very thin white tang top and which caused the men in the audience to hoot and holler (not to mention their pathetic attempts to grab her boobs. It’s just light people!)

I’m left to assume that the sole reason to see this is the Real D 3D technology. For the most part I shy away from 3D films but I was curious to see what a film would look like in 3D at the local Cineplex (usually these screenings are limited to IMAX 3D) and I was surprised to find that for the most part, My Bloody Valentine shied away from the gimmicky 3D shots and I was impressed by the almost tangible images on the screen. The 3D was surprisingly unobtrusive and did add to my enjoyment turning the film from barely watchable to mildly entertaining. And though I didn’t mind it, it’s a gimmick that will likely get old fast. My eyes started to lose focus an hour in and I found it difficult to concentrate on the images, my vision occasionally blurring. At the end of the day, 3D simply isn’t enough of a reason to see a movie (though it did sell me this time).

My Bloody Valentine is forgettable but was a fun experience (largely due to the particularly vocal crowd). As it stands now, I’m really looking forward to Dreamworks’ presentation of Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D. Hopefully that will be an even better experience.