Director: Larry Bishop
Writers: Larry Bishop
Producers: Larry Bishop, Michael Steinberg, Shana Stein
Starring: Larry Bishop, Michael Madsen, Eric Balfour, Dennis Hopper, Vinnie Jones, David Carradine, Leonor Varela
MPAA Rating: NR
Running time: 83 min.

Frankly I’m a bit surprised that Mr. Tarantino agreed to have his name stamped all over this picture. It does have a bit of a Robert Rodriguez feel to it - who has collaborated with Quentin a lot in the past; but this has zero amount of the charm, wit and coolness factor that oozes effortlessly from the like of those gentlemen. No, Larry Bishop just doesn’t cut it with his first outing; though I can see a little of what he was going for.

Probably the simplest plot of all time is somehow managed to become convoluted as hell by the ineptitude of direction and screenplay. It involves three biker buddies who rule their little plot of land in the southwest and are known as The Victors. The youngest of The Victors is a new recruit named Comanche. At the same time Comanche enters the little gang, a rival gang rides into town. Apparently the leader of this rival gang (the “666’s”) is responsible for the brutal murder of the girlfriend of the leader of The Victors (Larry Bishop), Pistolero. So revenge is certainly on the schedule. Also, a mysterious safe deposit box key is floating around as well. Yay.

For most of the 80 minute running time, this storyline is mostly ignored. Our main characters spend their time driving around, wrestling with oiled-up naked women in bars, fistfighting, shoot-outs that have no meaning or reason or having sex with more characterless women. That’s pretty much all the film has to offer. The “plot” is so obvious and useless it almost would have been better had it not been there at all. The “twist,” or surprise ending, is nothing of the kind. It couldn’t be more telegraphed and pointless if it tried.

To complicate things, there are some strange double crosses and back-stabbings. The problem is that we’re not really sure who is who and/or why the double-cross is happening. It’s just a bunch of guys in leather duds riding killer hogs. We get glimpses of the backs of their jackets which proudly display their gang name, but since we don’t see their face at the same time, as soon as the camera pulls away I have no idea who is who. A mess.

I’m sure when the script was being put together the writer would put something to paper and think, “oh yeah, that sounds super cool.” No. Obviously Quentin Tarantino was obviously nowhere to be found while ink was being put to paper on this one. It is the most drab, uncool, boring dialogue for this kind of film that I can think of. I realize we’re going for a bit of a grind house feel to the movie, but considering I’m sitting in a multi-million dollar mutliplex and just plopped down ten bucks, the least you could do would be to have some clever dialogue. Alas, it was not to be.

I’ll give the film credit for a fun style to it. There is a sort of Desperado feel to the whole thing. The loud, surfer style guitar chords and riffs with some bad ass looking dudes strolling around. Not to mention the women that are here are some of the most gorgeous to be found anywhere - which is in and of itself preposterous considering the age of the main characters. But hey, I don’t mind a share of my ten bucks going to bare breasted chicas. Still, when that’s all the director can muster for most of the film, the style points begin to dwindle and have less meaning.

Hopper and Carradine make for possibly interesting cameos but of course they completely sleep walk through their roles. Hopper makes a go of it, but I’m not sure which one of us cared less about the role: him or me. Madsen had one random line of dialogue that made me chuckle and brought me back to his Reservoir Dogs days, but I can almost guarantee this particular line of dialogue was his own ad-libbing and not in the written script. Everbody else is just there (sort of like I am while irritatingly writing this review).

If bikes, beer and booty are your thing, there’s plenty of it in Hell Ride; unfortunately there just isn’t much else. It might sound like it’s one of those “so bad it’s good” type of movies, but it’s really not that bad, it’s just boring and unnecessarily convoluted. Which is a real shame considering how similar the trailer makes it appear to be like last year’s completely kick-ass Grindhouse. Great trailer, crappy movie. A shame and a waste of money.

Links:
IMDb profile
Official Site
Flixster Profile for Hell Ride
Michael Madsen Interview